How much of a joke things can be?
I have been sort of expecting a death experience (see mystic death) after various journeys where I felt something else coming out through me…
Tonight I was alone, working with LSD, expecting to see what would happen this time, whether I could finally push further and enter my visions or if I still had another fear to identify.
It was Sunday night, the field where I was was gorgeous: a knee high soft grass was covering the ground, a rather unsusual thing in the region regarding the dryness of the climate. A couple of ponds were keeping the humidity locally higher. I set up my camp under an acacia tree, just by a big limestone boulder. No moon, a clear sky, a soft warm breeze blowing down… but that sunday night party echoing in the valley forced me to wait til almost midnight beforeI could get started.
- I started a timid fire to dry my drum and here we go… and yep, there is another fear to uncover… -
How do I know?
Easy. Like always I start to get attack by weird energies, entering through my fear. Ok, so what is it again that I am afraid of? Why am I attacking myself?
I try to feel where the fear gets in, remembering my last experience with San pedro. Things are being very similar with my last journeys. What happened back then that got me out of it was that I accepted a part of myself… but couldnt really face the whole reality of it.
So here with easy deduction, I realized that I was simply scared of myself, that it was my own energy attacking me!!
Why? What is it that I don’t want to see?
Of course I knew, but still I did have to allow myself to confess it…Then like everytime a revelation comes through, I feel like opening some secret doors and hear myself whispering from an other place: I am scared to be a monster!!!!
What? A monster! What do I mean? But…Why? What have I done? Did I do something wrong? Have I hurt somebody, did something terrible? Do I hold guilt, something very deep?
Welcome to the world of Grotesque Confusion where the Ridicule can almost kill you hahaha
Ok, until know, things where going “on track”, until…
Until I start focusing on death again (that death experience was really hanging in my mind)… and totally misunderstood the message of the Spirits.
I deduced that I was afraid of myself because that I am scared to be dead… BECAUSE I WAS DEAD!!! :/
- Ok, just to back up my stupidity, a little note: I do believe in life after death. From the Seth teaching, he explains that when somebody dies, he just changes framework. In the new one, he still creates his reality only that this time there is no inertia, its instantenous. So what happens is that some people keep living “their life” in the dream world until they finally want to accept their previous death and move on. Actually, some spirits look after them and set whole plots to slowly “wake them up”. I thought it was my case!!! –
Too much psychic molecules, too much mind fantasies and beliefs in whatnots and here I am, confessing my own death trying to remember when was it that I died (remember that I am journeying and that the landscape is not really “stable”!).
Maybe take a few seconds to laugh now!!!! I won’t event tell you all the probable deaths I’ve seen ( I think I’ve explored some probable life I had where I died, especially one where I commited scuscide, something I actually very lightly “fantazied” as a broken hearted kid!!)
Anyways, I was DEEPLY DECEPTIVE again, for not being able to pursue my dreams in that life, looking at all my beautiful projects falling appart, MY LIFE!!! – CONCEPTUALLY SHOCKING – seeing your own future crumbling under your feet, which made me realize also how much of a Future Self we Presently are!
To hell, I thought I was to experience a Mystic death, where the identification behind the “I” dies, where the sudden disappearance of ego definition shines the light upon the mysterious reality of our essence hanging upon a Will for Value Fulfillment… not ME in the scenario of MY life!!
After that deadly terrific realization, NOTHING HAPPENED…shouldn’t I change plane, move to another state, choose another life blabbalabla but no, I was still Stupid Sebastien in my Dead or Alive body!!
Actually all along the experience, I could feel that something was off track, that “death” was having a weird vibration, but who knows how vibrates death??
Back to the beginning….
So I am scared to be a monster…I start to follow my fears again and KABOOOM… quickly transform myself into a GIGANTIC UGLY WILD VOCIFEROUS AND NASTY BEAST!!!!
What now?? Am I REALLY a monster, I mean LITTERALLY???????? It looks like it!
The experience become too intense for me so that I could really go along and mutate myslef into , what it appears, I really am - WEIRDNESS is now getting WEIRDER!!!
Why would I be a monster, I don’t wanna be a monster. Is it my spirit? A joke of my inner self? All these questions now buzzing my mind, how am I supposed to integrate that?
But the feeling is compelling, for when I turn into it I FEEL ME, the identification is obvious, the attacks disappear, more power comes along with a stronger sense of existance!!
THAT’S IT, ENOUGH FOR TONIGHT, BACK TO GROUND!!!
Heading back home with the morning light shining up high, dawn feeling more dull than ever, my little planet is shocked, the definiton of my identity highly questionned,bringing with it the groundless effect of a new mind blowing evidence that my spìritual warrior is fighting to label properly without loosing too much integrity…
WTF, I AM A MONSTER !!!!
I always thought that we were everything and yet nothing. I was maybe expecting to meet an appearance standing for my spirit…BUT THAT ONE NO!
To make things even more glorious, I realize that the field where I was journeying was full of tiny little horrible monstruous blood sucking ticks that I generously carried home by the bucket RHAAA!!!
Debriefing time with Mr Tupac
He cracked up a good time and told me “ahah, they showed you your monster, GOOD!!”
After a good chat, I started understanding better wat happened and was now being able to integrate it all. Although I couldn’t really follow through the experience but rather just barely catch a glimpse of it, I started to feel good and happy having stepped further into the mysterious existance of our spiritual essence. I aso realized that some peace had gained my being and had the best sleep I’ve ever got for a looong time!
Now if you feel more confused than anything and didn’t get much understanding of what happened, maybe you are getting a closer look of how I came out of that journey !