Lost in translation, here I was, still unable to get a hold on my heart. For me, HEALING was just another way to spell SUFFERING. I knew that healing was always painful at first. But heck, how could have guessed that is would take me soooo long to come out of it. I think I opened too many doors: I KNEW WHO I WAS!
Is so much pain necessary? Is time so needed? Do I have a choice anyways? Is free will a distant fantasy that only applies to left & right directions?
Almost two years have passed since I first opened the pandora’s box and yet pretty much NO HEALING happened whatsoever on the heart level.
Yet I have seen, I have learned, I have experienced, I have understood, I have aligned, I have been angry, cried and forgiven, I have grown and try to outgrow myself, I flirted with death, climbed my fears & desperation almost back to the source … only to end up in a fast lane train speeding into the uncertainty zone.
Wether it’s a curse or a benediction, I do claim something: I have found that melody that whispers inside, that song that vibrates into my core, that dance mesmerizing my integrity, that energy tingling my being from a distant galaxy … but DAMN IT, can’t get there!!!!!
So I became a question mark … ME = ? … what if I was wrong ? … WHAT IF ?
I was questioning everything, too much of me, too many maybes and here I was starting worshipping some new terranes that only the wisest and most experienced adventurers dare approaching with the greatest care:THE VOID.
« Are meanings meant to be meaningful? »
I thought I knew who I was, I saw who I could be … but here I was, currently experiencing the presently stuck effect into NOBODY, hanging in between realms, hoping for something, hoping for outcomes, just hoping.
I became HOPE, nothing but pure HOPE. I thought hope, I talked hope, I dreamed hope … but couldn’t do hope!
Hope, another concept coloring the human experience. It gave me the opportunity to explore it to its depth. I remembered that ‘holly molly’ journey on San Pedro in Ecuador where under too much pressure (aka FEARS) at some point I had to back up and step into Hope … though the memory I have varies greatly with the one I’m experiencing now, which made me realize how HOPE really is two sided - had you ever noticed?
THE DARK SIDE OF HOPE
What if Hope was hiding something else?
Being a dream-based factory, Hope can become a risky business when too emotionally invested (look at society). In its essence, Hope can be so beautiful & glorious … which also implies dramatic & tragic. Hope has that funny friendship styles that keeps smiling till the very end when – eventually – it suddenly turns funny, starts grinning from too close only to show its real face: DESPERATION.
Ambassador of the light, Hope will come and rescue you when hitting the bottom, it will illuminate your dying smile & grayish hairs, it will hold your heart to the East and throw shooting stars into your eyes … but when about to pierce through the surface, a question will rise: « are you ready to see through yourself? » – otherwise you might bounce back down I’m afraid. God it’s unstable, a sacrifice need to happen!
What does hope like, what does it eat, how do we feed it?
Well, hope likes possibilities, supports ‘probabilities’ but first and all, Hope is born inside VALUES. Good & bad – a paradigm of dualities where there is a choice with CONSEQUENCES : « you are judged guilty by the supreme court: YOU! ».
« Hope our beloved friend is, I am sure, having good sex with Fears too often!!!! »
FEAAAR you again, damn it, you are everywhere, can’t you let us be alive and stop raping our chance to live in the NOW and just BE?
Was I wrong to hope? Did I not Hope properly? Is there a way to Hope? When can I truly trust you? When should I sacrifice you?
Yes, I must confess, all of us flirting into your realms, especially me, are nothing but desperate souls begging for piety – will you sing our absolution my Love?
… and if you don’t, Beware of my Wholeness my dear, for truly I can dissolve your Hazardness the day I will sacrifice my Fears to confess my Divinity. Amen
Ultimately, HOPE is a liar to be sacrificed, a fake ally for horizontally connected angelic robots desperately looking for rescue & revelations: FAITH, the only wings that know how to fly.
In the face of my greatest despair, I came to not understand but realize something: We are here to live OUR LIVES … and when OUR LIVES has decided something, it will not change direction, slow down or accelerate. There is a plan, a contract we’ve signed, a path to follow, a tragedy to live, a battle to fight, a heart to break & a heart to heal. I’m almost to the point that I’m not looking for anything anymore since that I truly feel that anytime I got something, it was given.
You know, that ‘out of the blue’ feeling, when you suddenly remember or realize something … out of the blue … the blue …
« La paciencia es la ciencia de la paz… »
… and if you’r not patient, just drop out & die to yourself if you dare!