- To get my Monster out, it was my mission -
I don’t know how many death, initiations and transforming experiences get a shaman along his life but I could already see that accepting my monster was to be a major one. It requires a huge let go of myself, to blow any concepts about Life and to see how much of an actor I could be.
Acting, playing, performing, wearing masks …
… a very precious gift. Kids now it, adults mostly forgot it. By now I had realized what my most precious asset was and why I could flow so easily through all this challenges and experiences happening to me : IT’S ALL A JOKE!
For me, this is a living reality, not just a way to relax pressure. Very few times I got carried away by the experience. Of course, SERIOUSNESS is very important, it is a concept we use to give IMPORTANCE. So when I experience something, I’m always serious about it, otherwise the experience / journey doesn’t even get started. But as soon as I get out, I almost always end up cracking up telling myself “LIFE IS FUCKIN’ JOKE!!”
- Laughing might be the shortest way to god, no doubt, especially if you are trying to meet him! -
So here I was, trying to meet another face of God: My Monster aka the Symbolic Evil in me. The affaire was quite delicate, for a few reasons I’ll try to explain.
I started by the fire, around our Cabaña. Very quick, I realized he would not come out… of course, Monsters live in the dark! – freakin’ symbols! (see article Fear as a path to enlightment – to be posted soon)
Ok, fire is out now & the night is dark!
My energy becomes, well, different … My voice starts to change as any aspects of my reality BUT I still have to find what type of monster I am, how to behave, what to think, what to do .. how to pierce into life through him! As long as one hasn’t fully seen his monster, it’s like a try & error process to meet that energy inside. Unless of course if you can surrender totally, without fears and let your spirit become it – impossible for me so far.
After a couple of tries, I started to look around and I thought: maybe I should go somewhere else, unable to really assess how much racket I was doing – What if the neighboors could hear me, don’t wanna get shot for an exorcism !
Off I was, with 6L of water, to find a more quite spot. Now try to picture me walking the road at night with a HUUUUGE Monster energy bumping on everything around… every single dog was waking up from the distance and came confronting me: monster fight!!! - A good opportunity to see how much I was afraid of it.
Half an hour later, I settled down in a remote place and was back to PLAYIN’ time …
“I AM FREAKED OUT BY THAT FREAKIN’ ENERGY & DIMENSION!”
I was literally fighting against myself and my own determination. On one side I had the Will to face my fears but on another one, the Scared Self was holding on fiercly. I would pull back, recover & recharge, call upon some inner strength and then try to enter again. I could feel so many energies around, they kept bumping into me – at some point they almost made me tripped as I was taking a leak !!!!
“Don’t be a pussy Seb, just Kill that fuckin’ symbol sucking you Dead … confront it, it’s only YOU!”
- An inner fight was raging between Fear & Faith -
And I tried & tried & tried & tried … over & over & over & over again & again … WITHOUT SUCCESS :/
FEAR 1 / FAITH 0
Well, I actually could sort of enter it and catch some glimpse of my ugly monster spirit body. I guess I just wasn’t ready for it. By now i’ve realized that everything is perfect and the Universe is always looking after you. If it doesn’t work, it’s because is wasn’t meant to happen yet. Now, as soon as I would come back from that dimension …
… My heart would blow open: the most delicate, soft and sensitive energy was caressing my being, my skin and my hair were sooooo soft, my body as light as air, my voice was speaking on different pitch at once: the most magical thing would happen - I started to fell in Love with myself!
- I could also perceive a new color in my aura, one I had never seen before really: ORANGE, the LOVE color. -
Unfortunatly, the effects wouldn’t last too long as the work wasn’t finished, !
Dehydrated, I was now on my way back, trying not to feel too deceptive, laughing at all what just happened while some desincarnated monster energies kept jumping at me. I had enough for the night, enough to empty old emotions stuck in my heart and enjoy the sweet breeze of Love blowing softly around me for the next hours or so.
I had experienced enough to confirm what I expected: My Heart is in My Monster.
The other good news was that I journeyed to other dimensions too, the cool ones where the “nice & pleasant” stuff is waiting for me BUT couldn’t really enter it either. It remained just a distant perceptions as to make the invisible visible, I still had to face the symbol of my Fears…
FUCKIN’ MONSTER, I WILL BE BACK …
As you may have realized, I started to swear some more along my ‘not so poetic‘ writings …
I have to say that I do not hold so much importance behind words anymore. Swearing became just another way of expression. It is actually making me laugh quite a bit. I guess that’s the Chill effect of Deep Perspective Shocks indued by Grotesque Multidimensional experiences …
Isn’t swearing funny ?!