Here I am, another journey, another attempt to elucidate that sticky hanging question mark all over my face…
One drop of LSD and 60 minutes later the trip kicks in. Not the best start, I feel so much heaviness in my head that all the mental clarity gets hazy. Hummm, I usually have tremendous journeys with acid…
The energy builds up inside and I feel like a huge pile of information is trying to burst out… but how?
- “Damn it seb, you broke rule N*1: always, ALWAYS journey very VERY far away from any sign of civilization.” -
Yep, otherwise I close myself and can’t express what’s coming with spontaneity. This time, God knows why, I have put up my space shuttle (aka tent), inside the campground. I am by a fire pit, the place it super chill, amidst nature…but with MAYBE people around. I feel stuck inside and don’t know how to express that energy- no way to go dancing in that environment!
I look at my journal and try writing what’s coming but I feel like all my personalities are trying to take over my pen AT THE SAME TIME! Pfff, nothing comes out.
I Finally decide to come out of my den, sit around the fire and start playing my drum. The skin is perfectly tight and as my stick bounce back and forth onto it, I let my mind slip away, looking for another direction to take.
As usual, I end up figuring out THE Universe until I bounce back on figuring out MY universe .
Then it strikes me, but this time with CLARITY!
So much inner battle, so much fight and yet, so much TIMIDITY. What is that nails me down to the faint, dull light of my reality and stops me from coming out?? Although I can see it shining, its all over, it’s everywhere, so close and yet so distant.
THAT’S IT!!! I AM AFRAID OF DECEPTION!!!!!!!!
WTF, how could have I missed that one? Welcome to Life, the Theatre of the Bleeding Obvious!!
Welcome to Life, the Theatre of the Bleeding Obvious!!
It’s so all over my face, so everywhere, se present, so ME. Of course, I am scared to the bone of being deceptive again. As I realize this, my whole life starts flashing in front of me with the face of DECEPTION, grinning from behind!
What happened to me, what did I lose that makes me so scared of it?
Really quick, I get the image of a kid with his most precious thing on earth being taken away…
A few seconds hang on between and then is strikes me from within… The shock is such I feel like hanging on the edge of my being, slack lining on Hesitation waiting to fall into Revelation…
Are you serious? Is it for real?
I HAVE LOST MY DREAMS!
A wave of Truth starts carrying me throughout the kingdom of my life and I burst into tears of confession, compelled in front of too much evidence.
I HAVE LOST MY DREAMS!
How can you lose your dreams?
What is left without it? Not much.
So when you take somebody’s dreams away, what else do you lose?
I HAVE LOST HOPE!
Are you serious, is that a joke? It is why I am shaking in front of myself? Is it why I fear so much existence? Here I am again, trembling in front of my own dreams, doubting my very beingness, barely hoping that maybe there is a possibility for BETTER????
Inside the labyrinth of my being, I survive on a timid light, thriving on faith, pushing my steps through existence. And when my heart feels strong, it guides me eyes up towards my deepest Fear to observe the mirror of myself that strikes me back with an over existing feeling of none existence – before it catapults me back in the dead ends of DECEPTION.…
But it’s me, the dreamer, the inspirer, living a dream-like life in a dream-like world, painting moments with brushstrokes of the unbelievable, the unreal, the magical… and yet I can’t believe it!
So that’s what my WHOLE LIFE is about, proving myself that YES, dreams are REAL?
What kind of proof do I need to believe it? What evidence will break through?
Know I understand. That inner fight, that secret battle taking me to every fields of existence has now a reason. Better, I have now found an answer. I know EXACTLY where lies the magical, because, YES, life is magical and YES, you can put ANYTHING behind the word magical and it will exist… if you believe it!
EXISTENCE HERE I COME!
Mind Dreamer vs Heart Dreamer
I would like to specify that the Dreamer lives in the Heart. For we also dream with our Mind but the fulfillment resulting is usually pretty flat. At least it is the case for me, for when I look back at my whole life, I realize I dreamed it with my mind, having lost my heart way too young. I feel satisfy with what I lived… but NOT HAPPY with it. I do feel a real emptiness regarding my desires, what my heart desired, what the child that I was once was dreaming of.
It is a big piece of my soul that I lost, a major one and without any doubt a most common one in this century, looking at how we robotize our offspring, taking their dreams aways: the Heart of their Soul.